Our bereavement guidelines for schools, aim to offer clear suggestions for coping in the event of a death in your school community:
View our bereavement resources
As concerned adults we would like to think that children and teenagers are too young to feel the deep sadness and despair that grief can bring. Sadly, this is not the case. Children and young people grieve just as deeply as adults. They often grieve by mirroring the responses of the adults around them. They rely on adults to provide them with the support they need, at this time. Children are naturally good at dipping in and out of grief. They can be intensely sad one minute, then suddenly switch to playing happily the next. This apparent lack of sadness may lead adults to believe children are unaffected, but these switches in emotion are built-in safety mechanisms, that prevent the child from being overwhelmed by powerful feelings.
Grief may look like anger, sorrow, crying, silence, confusion, frustration, laughter, disbelief, pacing, sleeping, disconnection with the world or busyness. The journey of grief is unique to each child and young person. Grief is an incredibly tiring process, especially in the early weeks and months. Those who are grieving will be exhausted as their body clocks and routines will be out of sync. Grief can totally overwhelm the person. They may struggle with any extra demands on their emotions, time or energy. Grief changes your world; it will never be the same again. This may leave the young person with lots of questions that challenge their very core, including beliefs about life and faith. Grief doesn’t go away. Once the initial few weeks have passed, don’t forget that the chid is still grieving. The world has to keep on turning, but grief will present itself in different ways at different times, long into the future. Grief will always be part of their life. Grief is not a problem to be solved or fixed, but rather a story to be shared and acknowledged. People who are grieving want to be listened to. The journey is unique to each individual.
Learn more about how Chelmsford Diocese can support your school by calling 01245 294400
Children at this age find it hard to grasp the permanence of death and have an expectation of the person returning. They begin to understand the concept of death, but not appreciate its finality and may state, “shall we dig granny up now?” The use of clear language is vital at this time, as the young child may be confused by euphemisms, for example, ‘gone away’ or ‘asleep.’ KS1 children require repeated explanations of what has happened. They need to be reassured that the dead relative feels nothing and are not in pain.
Some reactions to death can show in separation anxiety. The child may get very upset when left for periods of time, ie going into school. There may be a regression in behaviour, for example bed wetting and generally behaving like a younger aged child. The outward signs of grieving are not always evident, and the sadness may come and go at different times during the day and night. A lack of sadness doesn’t mean that the child isn’t grieving. There may be a difficulty in expressing feelings in words and asking inappropriate questions. Adults should always answer questions as honestly as possible. At this age children are prone to fantasize, if not told what is happening, they may dream up something scarier than reality. A child will often yearn for the dead person, demonstrating anger when they, ‘don’t return.’ Some children may feel the death was partly their fault, for example, a car accident that took place, on the way to, ‘school pick up.’ A child who loses a parent, will often fear that the other parent may die too.
Some children may become frightened of going to sleep alone or in the dark and the book, ‘The rabbit who wants to fall asleep,’ by Carl-Johan Foressen Ehrlin uses a unique language pattern which will help a child relax. This book is provided to the child by the Chelmsford diocese, as a gift, to help the family with nighttime routines.
It is advisable to maintain daily routines and boundaries. Parents and carers will need to be patient with ‘accidents.’ It is also encouraged for adults to try not to be over-protective, if possible.
Most KS2 children realise that dead people are different from those who are alive. They understand that dead people do not feel, they cannot hear, see, smell or speak and they do not need to eat or drink. By seven years old, children accept the fact that death is permanent, the dead person won’t return, death can happen to anyone and they understand that death can come about through illness or an accident.
KS2 children are more able to express thoughts, feelings, but may conceal them and appear unaffected. Children need opportunities to ask questions and get information, to help them to understand. At this age the children may still use ‘magical’ thinking (the dead person watching, talking to them) to create stories around the bereavement. They are likely to be very interested in the rituals surrounding death, be aware of the feelings of others, and show empathy to those also affected by the loss.
KS2 children can still react like younger children: crying, bed wetting, and develop eating and sleeping problems. They can become very irritable, aggressive, or clingy. They have more awareness at this age and become fearful that the same thing might happen to them or others close to them. At this time the children may not want to be apart from remaining family members. Developing psychosomatic illnesses, for example, headaches and feeling sick, may develop and patience and understanding have to be shown at this time. Children’s self-esteem and self-confidence may decrease also. An ability to express their feelings can be limited by social peer pressures and so they can appear as though everything is fine, so, as to ‘fit in.’ In some cases, children may become preoccupied with death.
To help children who have lost a loved one, give clear information about the manner of the death (age appropriate) and be willing to answer questions. Encourage opportunities for the child to talk with adults and give permission for the expression of feelings through variety of means. A gift from Chelmsford diocese to every child, who has experienced a death within the close family is given to the school. A set of books and a soft toy, age appropriate, are there to help the child and the family. These resources may give the child and family or school staff, opportunities to talk about emotions and ways to express feelings. Again, as with KS1 children, it is good to maintain daily routines and boundaries. It is important that school and home are in regular contact too.
Puberty is a time of great change for young people, grief just adds to this. Teenagers are striving to be independent and grown-up but the death of someone close, creates vulnerability. Their feelings of grief may be like those of adults, but they have strong inhibitions about expressing them, partly to be grown up and partly to avoid being different from their friends. Young people may have difficulty coming to terms with their own mortality, and that of those close to them. Sometimes they cope by experimenting with risk taking behaviour. A hectic social life prevents time to think, and anti-social behaviour is not unusual at this difficult time. It is vital that adults understand that these behaviours are all part of the grieving process.
KS3 and KS4 children have a full understanding of death, but can at times, find it difficult to grasp abstract concepts. They may strive to know details about the death and may seek answers to very specific questions. Sometimes, a struggle for independence may cause bereaved teenagers to challenge the beliefs and expectations of others, and how they should be feeling or behaving. Young people at this age, may suffer from increased anxieties about the future. They may question the meaning of life and develop symptoms of depression. They may become apathetic, withdrawn and develop a, ‘what’s the point,’ type attitude to school or life in general. Bullying and being bullied, can also take place and eating disorders and self-harm can happen during this difficult time.
It may be easier to discuss feelings with a sympathetic friend or adult, rather than a close family member. The diocese of Chelmsford Bereavement Lead, can visit a school setting to support all staff in coping with the needs of individual students or the student themselves. Please call 01245 294400 for further information.
Maintain daily routines and ensure boundaries are in place to give the young person a feeling of security. Don’t expect an adult response to bereavement, as a young person’s behaviour may regress to ensure they get the support they need.
Supporting a child or young person who has been bereaved of both parents can be emotionally challenging and is an incredibly important responsibility. As they navigate their grief journey, the child or young person may need your support in many ways, and they will need you to be understanding, stable, and compassionate.
If you’re supporting a child or young person view our helpful resources to support them.
Our downloadable and printable sheet details how we can support you for Bereavement and Loss within your school.
Should you experience a bereavement or loss within your school community, our Schools Adviser, Maire O'Regan is available for help and support.
We can also offer bespoke training for schools on a variety of topics including Bereavement. These sessions can take place in school or in another venue. To find out more including costs or if you have any queries please contact the Education Team.
Resources to support a bereavement or loss within the school community.
